Alan Dykes
Al', a former wandering wellington wearer and turbo charged monopoly player of some note, has been having a tough time this month. No-one has yet replied to his pen-pal plea in last month's Pendemonium section, so he still has no friends. His girlfriend has also just left him in a fit of jealousy after he refused to marry her on the grounds that she "couldn't pack a decent bagel". To make things worse Garth has suddenly disappeared, frothing at the mouth, thus creating a vacuum otherwise known as the Editor's chair, which the big guy has been sucked into. Unfortunately Alan is a lot larger than Garth so not all of him fits into this vacuum. He is currently missing his head and right arm.

Garth Sumpter
Erstwhile SU editor and pigeon fancier, Garth Sumpter cannot be found anywhere this month. Rumour has it that he has gone completely berserk and is now wandering around the Australian outback uttering phrases like 'G'day mate, 'ave yer seen Yvette Nichols anywhere', and 'giv' us a tinnie sport, me job's just been nicked by a mad Paddy.' Other sources have claimed that he turned up at Hannah Smith's house about three weeks ago with a wooden horse and a colt 45 water pistol, claiming to be Billy the Kid and demanding some tips for WWF Wrestlemania. To be honest we don't know where he is, so you'll just have to wait until next month's 'Sumpter Update' to find out!

Yvette Nichols
Cheery Art Editor Yvette has been having really bad nightmares this month. She keeps dreaming of being chased around Australia by a mad, frothing Cat Weasel with a pot belly - who answers to the name of Bruce Garthsumpter. However she is now finally recovering from this nasty experience thanks to Tina's special weightwiglet therapy which involves lifting weights twice a week and eating fifteen packets of twiglets every day. "You spend a lot of time thinking about the toilet", Yvette was quoted as saying.

Tina Zanelli
The best known ex-Goth in north London has been causing earthquakes in the software industry this month. Famous for her sharp wit, sharp knives and blunt sales pitch Tina has been cutting strips off software giants who are refusing to produce Spectrum software. Most of her threats are unprintable and at least one MD has been reported as leaving the country in fear. "It's about time software houses realised that the Spectrum is still a very viable machine, all it takes is a little effort and foresight in producing the right software." Tina has also recently started weightlifting and has been attending 'Billy Chang's how to become an incredibly dangerous ninja in five easy lessons' classes.