Above the Bus Station of Doom were seven mystic signs, each the number of a magic om-ni-bus. Choose the bus service and move to the like numbered paragraph.

1) To ye Electronic Shoppes, where ye may repair thy damaged Spectrume. 2) To ye Coin-op Arcades. 3) To ye Software Shoppes. 4) To ye newsagents. 5) To ye Record Shoppes. 6) To ye Foodstores. 7) To ye Clothing Shoppes.

Once you have completed all the seven challenges, go ye to 29.

Your Spectrum is ill, and your first great task is to have it repaired. Three repair shoppes meet your heroic gaze. One is a Dixonnes Electrical Shoppe, a plastic castle, festooned with bright banners and posters. A drooling, deformed idiot mans the drawbridge. He wears a badge saying "MANAGER". If you decide to go in, go to 23.

To the left is a small, shabby shop marked "MR SHABBYS SHOPPE". A sign reads "We fix computers proper, dead cheap". In the doorway stands Mr Shabby, a shortsighted dwarf. If you choose to go in, turn to 24.

To the right is Castle Amstrad. Grinning gargoyles line the parapets. Corpses hang from the battlements. The armoured figure of Baron Sugar grins at you from a turret. If you really, really think it's a good idea to go in, go to 25.

Magic bus 2 takes you to the coin-op arcades. There you face a fearsome choice. Will you put your 10p into Afterburner? (Turn to 8). Will you put 10p into the strange, unmarked black cabinet standing mysteriously at the back of the arcade ... ooo-eee-oooh! (Turn to 9). Or will it be the latest coin-op sensation, Alien Slug Death? (Turn to 10).

Bus 3 takes you to the Bigge Software Shoppe. The range of products available is staggering. There are three of them. (It must he H W Smitheys.) Which will you buy - Big Film Licence and the Temple of Profit from Gilsoft at £10.95 (go to 11), Mr Wibble from Happisoft Games at £1.99 (go to 12) or 190 Complete Dodos Compilation from Gilsoft at £113.98 (go to 13)

At the newsagents. Now is that crucial time in your quest when you choose which magazine to buy. Which is it to be? Cosmopolitan? (go to 14.) Sinclair User (go to 15). Or some lesser computer magazine, printed on earth-closet paper and written by fairies? (Go to 16, though I warn you, you won't like it).

At the Virgin Megabuck, hundreds of glossily-packaged vie for your attention. Which will you buy? Something by Stock, Aitken and Waterman, because "I know the artists are disposable but don't they have admirable production values?" (turn to 17). A James Brown classic (turn to 18). Or We're All Acid Crazy Bonkers by Doped-up Larry and the Smiley House People? (turn to 19).

At ye Foodstores, a wonderment of fried, baked, braised, grilled, microwaved and underdone nourishment hangs floppily from the food-vendors' stalls. At the left stands Elfin Jim the Butcher. "I got meat pies, meat sandwiches, meat rolls, meat on a stick, meat paste, meat cutlets and meat" he bawls. If you feel like a bit of meat, turn to 20. In the centre is The Silver Pixie Health food shop, festooned with buttercup cakes, daffodil burgers and watercress salad. If you like rabbit food, turn to 21. To the right is MacDonagall's, where a hideous dwarf chains up little children and rams plastic burgers down their throats while singing a happy song about defoliating South America. To visit MacDonagall's, turn to 22.

At the clothes shoppes. Now it is time to equip yourself for further adventuring. Do you pick: A Millet's parka, flared jeans, Marks & Spencer bri-nylon shirt and Mr Byrite codpiece (turn to 26). A Smiley T-shirt, baseball cap, bandanna, baseball boots, mirror shades and matching flamethrower (turn to 27). Or a Burton's suit (of armour) with flared gusset, daringly fluked greaves and seriously rad wide lapels (turn to 28).

At the arcade, you put your 10p into Afterburner, and stand stupefied when you realise that it costs £11.95 per game. That was a waste of money, wasn't it? As you trudge home you are knocked over and killed by an elephant.

You put your money into the strange black box, and are rewarded by a torrent of glistening coins. Again and again you insert money, and each time you are rewarded with a fountain of wealth. Well pleased, you return to the bus station for your next quest, pausing only to brush aside the cobwebs which hide the mystic runes on the box; "CHANGE MACHINE..."

Alien Slug Death lives up to its name. A gigantic alien slug emerges from the cabinet, wraps you in its slimy tentacles and bores you to death by insisting on discussing the Poll Tax. You are dead. Bet you're sorry now.

Big Film Licence and the Temple of Profit contains a sticker, a badge, a membership card for the Gloatsoft Glee Club, a money off voucher, a poster, a false rubber nose, a sachet of dehydrated turnip and a small glob of green putty. There's no space inside for the game. You have failed in your quest, and must disembowel yourself with a garden implement.

Mr Wibble is such a marvellous game that you faint with ecstasy, and dream that Sabrina, Bananarama and Kim Wilde are all massaging custard into your quivering body. You set off back to the Bus Station with renewed vigour. Perhaps you ought to go shopping for a new pair of trousers next.

190 Complete Dodos turns out to be just that, and you bitterly regret being led astray by the picture on the cover showing Princess Stella struggling into her see-through plastic space bikini. Your money gone, you return home defeated.

As you pick up Cosmopolitan, the newsagent pulls out a mighty broadsword and cuts off your head. "Eeh-up, we've nay taam for jessie-boys in dis parish, b'wanah" he explains in a strange Manchester-Swahili accent, which you are too dead to be confused by.

Sinclair User! What a fine, noble choice! The newsagent bows before you, refuses to accept your money and offers you his most beautiful daughter, Fatima, as a gift. Politely, you decline, and saunter back to the station for your next quest.

As you reach for the lesser computer magazine, the earth trembles, a crevasse opens and you are dragged down to Hell by a horde of screaming demons tearing at your flesh and ripping up your priceless collection of marmalade jar labels. Worse is to follow, but you deserve everything you get.

Realising that your Stock, Aitken and Waterman single is exactly the same as the last one but two beats per minute faster, you throw yourself from the top of Richard Branson's ego and expire.

James Brown sues you for ripping him off, and the resulting court case drags on for eleven centuries until you are as dead as he is.

As that crazy acid beat invades your brain you put on your Smiley T-shirt, bandana, mirror shades, baseball cap and sneakers and bop back to the bus station for your next quest. Everyone thinks you are barmy and stays out of your way.

Gorged with meat from Elfin Jim's, you die of cattle-bloat and have to be buried in a skip. Messy.

The bunny-wunnies savage you to death for stealing their lettuces. Tough.

You have to fight the evil Kobold MacDobold if you are to escape from MacDonagall's. It's your broadsword against his tripleburger-french-fries-whale-blubber-crispy-excrement-and-gristle-in-a-bun. If you lose, you are force-fed Gristleburgers until you burst. If you win, you stagger back to the bus-stop, hungry but eager for your next quest.

You enter Dixonnes, and eleven years later you are found wandering in a swamp, with an empty coin-purse and a note saying "Your Spectrum will be ready in two years' time." Hard luck, dummy, you failed.

Mr Shabby turns out to be an (electronic) wizard in disguise, and fixes your Spectrum in nothing flat, charging you one dead mouse. You return to the Bus Station of Doom to choose your next task.

You fall into the clutches of Baron Amstrad, and become one of his army of mindless zombie slaves manning the switchboard. You are never heard of again.

Your Mr Byrite codpiece attracts the unwelcome attention of a group of dirty old orcs, and you are last seen running through the Peculiar Hills with them in hot pursuit. Serves you right.

Your Acid House gear attracts approving comments, but does little to protect you when you encounter a gang of Lager Louts in a multi storey car park. Splattered with vomit you trudge home to wash your Smiley T-shirt. Failure.

In your Burton's armour you withstand all challenges, and return safely to the bus-stop for more adventures.

Flushed with success and too much Burpsi-Cola, you make your way home to tell your Mum of your success with your seven great adventures. Unfortunately you have forgotten her 20 Benson & Hedges, and she has you boiled to death in Alpen. Next time, take your Great Magic Book of Filo-Fax with you.

Look out for more adventures with Dean the Barbarian - Public Library of Death, The Enchanted Launderette, Castle of Sausages, and Dean the Barbarian Meets Princess Kylie of Melbourne.