AFTER SEEING movements in the desert's dawn light, I woke the others. Iubba I roused with a mighty thwack on the pate since he was supposed to have been standing watch. As usual he complained vociferously, but a second blow conveyed my point more clearly and we all stood to, weapons at the ready.
For a full hour we waited. The sun rose and its heat twisted the horizon into a shimmering uncertainty.
And so they came, five dark riders in black armour and sandy cloaks. Their hoods covered helms twisted from boiled leather, and their horses too wore bronze masks. "We are the Guardians of the Sands, 0 Fat One," said the leader, his voice low and harsh, his terminology mildly insulting. "You have a simple choice to make - you can either die now or ..." he pushed his visor up, "... or if you prefer, you might like to buy some carpets, perhaps some jewellery for your wives?" He opened his cloak and drew forth a sheaf of papers. "I also have some very interesting pictures, very genuine, very cheap."
He leered and winked at Iubba who appeared most taken by this suggestion. I demurred but the rest of the riders growled more about cheapskate foreigners, the difficulty of turning an honest penny in the sands and, more to the point, drew their fearsome scimitars.
As we had not breakfasted, a fight was out of the question. So we all settled on the sand and the riders spread out a number of mangy carpets and tinny bracelets, as well as some carvings which would make a camel blush.
After being well-fleeced we were escorted till dusk to an overnight camp where other travellers rested from the exertion of haggling over their genuine desert carvings. Iubba, however, was content and wrapped himself in his cloak to inspect his interesting and genuine pictures. I do not know what I see in that man.
| Gordo Greatbelly, landlord of the Dancing Ogre, offers help to lost adventurers |
As we talked and ate, Deejay Edwards of Formby told us of his journey in search of The Lord of the Rings, and asked how he might enter the Mines of Moria, at the entrance of which there is only the outline of a door. Alleyn Conway, Defender of the Shire, told him simply to enter the password 'Friend' - remember that in the scrolls of this quest the runes read, "Speak friend and enter."
Lord of the Rings |
Alleyn also suggested a way to destroy the Black Riders at Bree. "Go north into the bar and then send Sam and Pippin out to kill them." Can it be this simple? Alleyn continued, "To get safely along the highway after the bird has spoken with Strider, watt twice at the gate of Bree, go east. Now wait twice again, go east, north and twice east once more. Then wait five times."
Marco Kelly of Bathgate continued the advice. "Crossing the ford to Rivendell is simple provided you ride the white stallion across. Once there, Bilbo will take you to his room and insist on having the Ring. Keep saying no and eventually he will give up and give you a sword and a fine coat of mithril mail.
Once you've entered Moria you should go up, east three times then down, west, south and down again. You should then come to a door with the heads of animals upon it. Push only the eagle's head to open it. Head east until you can go up again."
Davich the Hooded of Coatbridge has searched long and hard in Robin of Sherwood to find the touchstones of Rhiannon. "Where is the sixth?" said he. "I have looked everywhere and tried everything. Please help me!" Willingly I did so for he has not tried everything. If he takes his five stones to the Great Stones he should place them all within the circle. If he drops something made of silver next, Herne will appear, along with the sixth touchstone.
This emboldened the Lady Renvouge La Rouge of Swanage to ask where the nun might be found. "I have money to pay but there is no nun to be seen." To make use of the nun you questers will need four hundred gold pieces. Take them to Kirklees Abbey and knock on the door. The nun will then appear. Give her the cash and she will drop the touchstones.
It seems the Lady had not yet been to Nottingham for she said she could not get a ride on the serf's cart. After finding Siward the Thief, go into the forest and stop the cart. Get in and the horses will bolt to the Sheriff's castle. Wait till night to leave the cart and steal some more treasure. That will solve the cash flow crisis and more into the bargain. This information, and much more, came from the resourceful Mark Thomas.
Robin of Sherwood |
So I strolled across to the throng of travellers debating Bored of the Rings. Of the questions I am asked upon the road, and in the letters I receive, almost two-thirds are about this mad quest. The Clerk of Kirkcudbright and fair Lucie O'Brien of Bishopthorpe had both been turned to cement by the dreaded Basilisk's gaze. Angler Fisher had a similar problem and tried desperately to find a route out of the marshes. When you encounter Goldbum give him the platinum brick and search through the marsh until you find the sunglasses. Wear these and head back to the Basilisk by going west twice, south, east, south and twice west again. By thus protecting yourself, the Basilisk should become more concrete than you.
Rymill of Wirral and Le Molyneux of Oxton had both found the large box tied with magic string but could not open it. This is close to the end, so I must take care not to reveal too much! However, once you have come to the silent road you should go south twice, and then west to the headless statue. Now go west to the Bar. Enter it and leave immediately.
When you see the Kremlins come out attack them and afterwards re-enter the Bar. The scissors should now be ready for you. At this point you should go to the shopping centre's electrical department and cut the string. The rest I leave to you. Do not linger in the Bar - the Kremlins will kill you.
This advice was of some assistance to Thorne of Mansfield, but he still remained bemused by the problem of the Red Line in the Red Room of Red Moon which he could not cross. Nor, too, could he turn the acorn into a bridge to span the chasm. To make the bridge he need only drop the nut beside the chasm and see what happens.
As to the line, Amos Sharptongue of Tonbridge advised that he should simply rub it out. It can be erased without needing any equipment.
Bored of the Rings |
Amos' own problem ran thus. "I have crossed the line and have now entered a room with four exits. East of here I become blinded by bright lights and cannot continue. How can I combat this threat?" The lights can be extinguished by dropping the Black Ball which contains a spell for this very purpose.
"Thanks," says he, "and in return let me impart these facts so others can benefit. The underground water channels can be travelled by wearing the gas mask fitted with tube and flask. Kellf the thirsty one can be relieved if you first go to the hall of mirrors. There you should kill your reflection - which can be done if you use the Mushroom, Potion and Ring correctly. Now go south-east and fill the bottle from the fountain beyond the acorn bridge. If you give Kellf the bottle he will tell you about mummies, and will add five per cent to your score.
Ivan the Terrible of Twickenham staggered past beneath the weight of several moth-eaten carpets. "I have beaten Hacker," he said. When he had explained that this was not an axeman's quest, he gave me a list of security checks. The first check code is MAGMA, LTD. Second is AXD-0310479 and the third HYDRAULIC. The final check code is AUSTRALIA. Make what you will of these.
Teresa Bengey of Ilfracombe was trapped in Subsunk. If she read my recent scrolls she should have parts of the answer to all her problems. But how to open the safe? Once you have both parts of the map you must glue them together. Make sure you have the spatula, test tube and the toast scrapings - get these by using the knife on the toast. Mix them with the yoghurt you have melted in the reactor room to create a glue. Join the map, get the stethoscope and wear it. Now go to the safe and turn the wheel in the directions shown on the map.
I owe great thanks to Karl Miles of Castletown for this news and the complete solution to the quest. Teresa, "in desperate need of help," was also unable to cross the light beam in Ship of Doom. This is easily breached by shining the torch at the beam.
Hacker |
Craggy Craig of Frome, Hamilton of Stone and the Dancer Dancey of Birkenhead beset me with questions on the defeat of The Sorcerer of Claymorgue Castle. One could not open the stone door, the others could not leave the magic fountain without being killed, or avoid destruction when the chandelier fell on their heads.
That great journeyer, Mark Thomas, again provided the answers. "To release the chandelier safely, go into the ballroom, cast the Unravel spell - found in the plain room - and immediately leave the ballroom. Enter again only after you have heard the chandelier crash to the ground.
"The stone door can be opened thus: wring out the soggy towel; it will turn into a damp towel. Go to the plain room, hit east and then cast the seed. The door should now open. If you wish to get the stars from the dungeon and the fountain you will need the Yoho spell, the dry towel, and be glowing from a Firefly spell. Go onto the fountain, take the star, climb the centre, go shaft and dry the droplets. Now drop the towel, take the star and cast the Yoho spell to escape."
Lee de Thornton, in search of The Eye of Bain asked how to get past the ravine or board the ship without being enslaved. He may only jump the ravine if he has the whipping post. The best way to avoid a life in the slavepits of Gragnoth is to kill the pirate without delay - examine his remains after, for he carries an essential hook.
Perth Payne of Reading and Mario Ricci of Italy demanded aid with the Tower of Despair. Says Payne, "I cannot prevent the Hellgaunt from reaching the Tower. I meet it on the bridge but it always destroys me." I verily believe that the answer to this doom is to point your gauntlet at the creature and then flamebolt it. Mario wished to know what use the mute servant may be. He, Sir Mario, is giving you a message bearing on flamebolts.
Sir Mario did not know what to do with the crucible in Tylon's castle in Kentilla. This is a means of obtaining graphite. First examine the talisman, remove the diamonds with the sword and then put them in the crucible. Turn the furnace on and place the crucible within it - so is the graphite made.
And now a plea from Runor Tickhill of Kent. Runor is utterly bewildered by the Paradox of Runesoft. This poor traveller seeks any help you can offer. Alas, it is not a path I have travelled nor too, is Executive Adventure for the QL. St Clair of the Furrowed Brow, Cambridgeshire cannot find the passwords or get out of the laundry. Help him unknit his brow.
Those of you who are lost in Eureka, Heroes of Karn, The Ket Trilogy, Forest at World's End and Fantasia Diamond, Message from Andromeda and Twin Kingdom Valley should apply to the ubiquitous Thorne the Slayer at Mansfield, Notts. He will answer queries if you prepay the return courier.
So to bed, in an earnest hope that we shake off our escorts on the morrow, or we shall have to buy camels from them to cart off the carpets and carvings. Ah, the lost spirit of the wild desert. Romance is dead. Till next moon, friends, ride safely.
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| Gordo Greatbelly, Landlord and carpet warehouseman |
| If you have a tale to tell, or are in need of a helping hand, write to the Landlord of the Dancing Ogre c/o Sinclair User, London. |