MAXWELL SAVES THE UNIVERSE

JUST GOOD FRIENDS: Clive and Bob

ROBERT MAXWELL, who owns the world's favourite newspaper, has been acclaimed a national hero. He has come to the aid of another great British asset, boffin Sir Clive Sinclair.

Maxwell stepped in to save Slugger's company, generously paying £12m for the privilege of helping to make Britain great again.

The bouncing Czech's knowledge of commuters and programmes is legend. A stunned world listened as Maxwell, speaking on BBC Radio 4, clearly pronounced the word 'software', saying Sinclair's was 'excellent'. He also praised other inventions from 'Sinclair Electronics', including 'the telephone ... and many other things.'

Slugger himself, a one-time associate of Maxwell's, said he was very pleased. In a recent Mail on Sunday article he said:

"I have suffered a great deal from ineptitude". Now Cap'n Bob is at the helm, that will change. Any further such articles are unlikely to appear anywhere other than in your own value-for-money Big-3 Bingo Sunday Mirror.

OH WHAT A PUNCH-UP!

BRITAIN faces a violent summer, as software houses prepare to do battle with games based on boxing.

Gremlin Graphics enters the ring with Rocco, licensed from Spanish company Dinamic. Gremlin has changed the name from Rocky after MGM complained. Apparently the graphics make Sylvester Stallone's acting look like the product of a ZX-80.

Meanwhile, the Kindergarten responds with Frank Bruno's Boxing, also based on arcade game Punch Out! The kids at Elite reckon Big Frank can lay the Spanish challenger cold on the canvas inside three rounds.

The only winner appears to be Silversoft, which thought it had the rights to Rocky until Dinamic revealed the deal with Gremlin Graphics. Silversoft has thus retired from the ring to promote Satanism with its new game Baal, a vicarage tea party compared to the fight game scene.

INCORRUPTIBLE: Editor Bill Scolding gazes blankly at a Commode 64 with karate champ Geoff Thompson. He's waiting for Melbourne House to return his grubby corduroys from the launderette.

Bryan Robson misses game

DOUBTS have been cast over England Captain Bryan Robson's commitment to the game after he failed to turn up for a fixture at Hamleys toyshop in London's Regent Street.

It seems he was doublebooked, which sounds like UEFA's latest ploy to combat English Soccer violence.

Bryan was supposed to be launching Bryan Robson's Super League, a computer-moderated board game. The game is unique, according to publisher Paul Lamond Ltd, because it uses the computer to 'heighten excitement'.

All other computer board games use the computer to bore people to death.

PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH: Our boys are ready for anything.

MAJOR-GENERAL 'Quickshot II' Goodman practices zapping Russians with Durell's Combat Lynx. Watch out Gorbachev - you're next.

FOREPLAY: Clive ogles Jane.

MIRROR sweetheart Jane learns the Basics from friendly Uncle Clive. During the course of the lesson, she manages to lose all her clothes.