RUMOURS that Sir Clive has been made Dame Commander of the British Empire have been confirmed by Micromega. The epic tale of the day he set out to collect his gong takes some telling, though.

Gremlin can report that on the way to the palace Slugger Sinclair suffered a mishap at the barber's and was rendered completely bald. Even the stubbly little bits at the sides were hacked away ...

More vignettes from the tempestuous saga include the robbing of a bank, a mad dash from the 8.15 to Euston to buy the Financial Times - doubtless to check up on Polecat Tebbit's conversations with the Italian typists who bought Acorn - scenes of drunken abandon in Carlos' bistro, and petty larceny at the chemists in search of a bottle of hair restorer ...

The full version of Uncle's Big Day is told by Micromega in A Day in the Life, a new departure for gossip columnists in that the sordid tale is recorded on cassette, and accessed by joystick, for 27 screens of attractively clear and stylish graphics.

Slugger is represented by a rotund head with that distinctive hairstyle which has made the micro magnate the Lady Di of the computer scene. He bounces with respectable speed through the crowded streets of London, up and down stairs, all the while attempting to avoid ticket collectors, rogue gobstoppers, dancing beermugs and the like. A whiff of the Manic Miner is definitely in the air ...

Humour and intelligence are not qualities Gremlin associates with the microworld generally, excepting of course the offices and pages of Sinclair User. Micromega certainly seems to have found a private supply of its own. 20 billion unsold waterproof C5 ponchos in grey plastic to anyone who can explain how to get past the sentries at Buck House in time to hear the wonderful full BEEP version of Land of Hope and Glory ...

IF YOU have always stayed away from balloons because they make a loud bang when they pop then Toy Bizarre from Activision will give you a chance to get your own back.

Leap around the levels of the toy factory using Merton, your puppet guide, to pop the balloons which are blown up from six huge valves. But beware! Break the balloons before they pop or they will deposit malign mechanical toys to snare you into losing one of your four lives.

An indicator at the top of the screen shows how many balloons you need to pop before moving to the next screen difficulty level. The initial levels are easy, and can be made easier if you have some understanding of hot air.

Not only do you have to contend with balloons but a manic robot, which goes by the name of Hefty Hilda, makes life hell by sliding along the platforms, intent on crushing you and turning on all the balloon valves. A jump is in order if you want to avoid a battering by Activision's answer to Nora Batty.

All is not doom and gloom, however, as the toys can be stunned if you jump on one of the two pistons on each level while the toys are on the other. Hilda can be sprung off the screen using the same technique but she can do the same to you.

Toy Bizarre is addictive and will attract those who find Jet Set Willy too difficult to master. It should also prove appealing to young children, not only because of the toy factory concept but also because there are few operation keys and the plot is simple. The only danger is that they will be put off by the repetitive nature of the game.

DABBLE in a spot of dark age magic, pitting your wits against Morag, witch queen of the north.

Dragon Torc, from Hewson Consultants, is the sequel to Avalon. You play Maroc who, with the help of a few spells, has to search for the five crowns of Dragon Torc.

The search takes Maroc into the Lost Vaults of Locris and from there, along ley lines, to various locations across the British Isles.

You start with three spells, Servant, Move and Bane. Other spells must be added to the list as without them nothing can be achieved. Wisps, skeletons, spiders and a flying cauliflower are just a few of the creatures you will meet and can be disposed of if you have the right spells.

Other characters who you meet may help you and the manner in which they are approached will affect their attitude towards you. Elves are particularly useful.

Maroc travels via levitation, gliding along in a lotus position. In fact Maroc is really sitting by a fire and you are guiding his astral projection.

The actions of all characters are fairly realistic. Skeletons come running with outstretched arms and snakes stop, wait and then dart forward to strike. Doors really open.

All spells, objects collected and instructions from Merlin are listed in a scrolling window at the bottom of the screen. Selection is simple - bring Maroc to a halt and press the fire button, use your joystick to select the option and press the fire button again to implement it.

Although the graphics are relatively simple, they are clearly defined and scroll in four directions. However, when Maroc is in motion, the scrolling is jerky and can be distracting.

Avalon fans will love Dragon Torc, which is more user friendly. The puzzles are well hidden and tricky. If you have never played Avalon, however, start with Dragon Torc, it is the better game.

I BLAME this geezer Chris Sievey. He's the one who got us into The Biz. Who's he, anyway? Just some cat who cut a single back in '83 with some naff ZX-81 programs on the flip side. Now he's written a Basic simulation of the pop industry for Virgin.

The first person to get a number one hit single in The Biz gets to appear live on stage with Sievey. Despite that, me and the lads thought we'd give it a go and formed this band called the Y Fronts.

At first we played local scout groups and the Labour Clubs. We had a dodgy manager and an agent who fixed us gigs in places we'd never heard of. Our gear got lifted regularly and eventually our drummer joined a bunch of heavy metal headbangers.

We cut our own disc and pressed 10,000 copies. Our manager fixed an interview on Radio Forth, we ligged it around the campuses and the single shot to 142 in the charts. Then the record stiffed - we hadn't pressed enough copies - and our drummer left to play with some outfit which Sounds were hailing as the new Beatles.

We did some local promo, got a new manager, went to a hair salon and hit the London nightclubs. The band was really tight by now and the songs weren't so lousy. Stage presence was zilch, but then who's seen a C&W band with dry ice?

Then we got the break - the Factory gave us an advance and we made a new single. Capital put us on the C list and we were on standby for Top of the Pops. We made it to number; 42.

Then our drummer split, the gigs got cancelled, the record stiffed and the Factory told us where to go. We were back at square one, playing the Leeds Amnesia for peanuts. A groupie offered us some drugs, and we're not looking back now. We're not looking forward either. Tell you the truth, the colours make it difficult to look at anything at all ...

MICROSPHERE'S Skyranger is one of those games which looks great until you start to play it.

The idea is to fly your copter above the city to rid the skies of hostile Watchers - Drags, Trums, Rics and Dores. 10 points for guessing which micros they are named after.

The screen is impressive. As well as the view from your cockpit depicting the city's skyscrapers there is an array of instrument panels including altitude, radar and fuel.

When fuel runs out you can land at fuelling stations if you can find them. An indicator on the control panel tells you when one is in close proximity and it is up to you to penetrate the jungle of buildings and find it.

The screen is yellow with black wire frame graphics and when night falls those colours are reversed. Occasionally a sea mist creeps in, totally obscuring all graphics.

Trums, Rics and the rest of the crew are black blobs and unrecognisable. The radar will flash red when one is within target range.

If you crash or touch a building the cockpit window will crack. At the end it looks as though someone has been at the screen with a sledgehammer which would not be at all surprising if playability is taken into account.

The music consists of annoying and inappropriate jingles, totally unsuited to this type of game.

GYRON, a game in which brains and logic count, stands in a class of its own.

Maze games are usually easily described - but not this one. Firebird's Gyron is a complex game comprised of two labyrinths, one nestling in the other. Atrium is the easier game and within it is Necropolis with the wisdom of the Sorcerer hidden at its centre. The idea is to reach the founts of wisdom before the sorcerer can rise from the dead to claim his knowledge.

Massive balls roll in predetermined, circuitous paths through the trenches of the labyrinths. Contact with those means instant death. Rising above the walls are monolithic towers guarding the paths to Necropolis and wisdom. Each tower faces one of the four points of the compass, blocking certain routes, and each is ready to strike if you come within range.

The orientation of the towers is possibly the most important aspect of Gyron. Shooting the towers affects your route as each directly affects the positioning of other towers in surrounding areas. A tower may vanish when hit, sometimes only to reappear instantly later on.

The screen is viewed through the cockpit of your hedroid craft in full 3D glory. Two green lateral indicators to either side of the screen act as laser cannons. As you have only a forward view of the screen, red bands descend to indicate side entrances.

A green square at the bottom of the screen indicates your position in the trench. Colliding into walls will damage the hedroid and an indicator in the control panel shows how much damage you have sustained.

A radar shows each section you are negotiating from a bird's eye view. You are always at the centre. That is an invaluable indication of where the towers are situated, the direction they are facing and also the numbers of balls rolling in that section. Another way to verify your direction is to look at the four constellations in the night sky above the labyrinth.

A timer is linked to the central computer and is synchronised to the motion of the balls. Below that is a revolving icosahedron which changes to one of 12 colours related to each section of the maze.

The graphics are wireframe with the balls and towers in solid blue. The balls are masked if they are rolling behind a wall. Movement is fast and smooth, and a pat on the back must go to the four programmers, who took over a year to produce the game.

Firebird has produced a brilliant game combining strategy and arcade skills. A Porsche 924 motor car is on offer to the first person to discover the secrets of Necropolis.

If that isn't an incentive to buy this game, I don't know what is. (See also additional comment in News, May 1985.)

A FIRST reaction to Wizard's Lair, from Bubble Bus, is to check that Atic Atac has not been loaded by mistake, as the game is so obviously similar.

You play Pothole Pete who by accident stumbles across the wizard's lair and seems doomed to remain in the underground maze. Fortunately, he remembers a dreadful little rhyme he once saw on a cassette inlay which offers a clue to his escape: "If this lair thou doest uncover, four pieces of lion thou must discover. Only then may you escape past the lion that guards the gate." Sounds familiar?

Like Atic Atac, each room is viewed from above giving an impression of playing from the game's blueprint. There are many hostile guardians to overcome - easy enough as Pete occasionally stumbles across abandoned weapons. He also needs to keep up his energy and to that end must eat any food he discovers. Gold, diamonds and other valuable objects should also be collected as they will be needed later on.

There are several levels and those can be reached via magic lifts and wardrobe lifts. Wardrobe lifts take you straight to the next level and it is wise to note the names of those as the magic lift will ask for the name of the level you want.

A number of original features included in Wizard's Lair make the game more enjoyable. There is a variation in the scenery of each cavern and in some screens the vegetation border has been taken straight from Sabre Wulf with the same colourful jungle foliage. The speed of play is the same though certain screens in Wizard's Lair do take longer to draw.

Each room has between one and four exits which open and close at random. However, in many rooms there are well hidden secret exits. One sure sign that there is such an exit is to watch from where the guardians enter.

The status display around the edge of the screen is clearly laid out. At a glance you can tell how much in the way of weapons, energy and gold you have left and objects collected.

Although the game is plagiaristic in the extreme, it is well programmed and enjoyable. The colour and graphics are as sharp and defined as Atic Atac and the few extra features, including a river which meanders through many screens, effectively dividing them, make the game more challenging.

EVERYONE'S a Wally continues Mikro-Gen's obsessive interest in this silly family.

Search through Wallyville for the scattered combination number of the Piggy Bank's safe in order to open it and pay the gang's wages.

Red herrings, empty oil cans, fuse wire and other objects litter the town and many are needed to perform tasks enabling you to discover yet more objects. You are required to play a few arcade-style games - found in telephone boxes - which uncover more secrets. It is an idea to note down locations of objects as each character can only carry two at a time.

Each family has a trade. You will need to make use of Wilma's shopping prowess and Dick's plumbing background. You take on the persona of each member of the gang to perform specific tasks.

It is easy to map the town and discover each location but difficult to get characters to perform functions, such as mending the fountain or building a brick wall. It is all a matter of getting the right objects to the right place with the right person.

The graphics make the game colourful and stylishly drawn. It is a pity that the background is marred by colour overflow.

Like its predecessor, Pyjamarama, Everyone's a Wally looks good but it seems that more has gone into the graphics than the plot. For all that, it is an enjoyable game and frustratingly difficult to complete.

A dubious extra is Mike Berry's song on the reverse side - marginally less painful on the ears than the Piman's tunes.

THE wally-lovers at Mikro-Gen continue their researches into suburban sub-culture with a visit to the department store in Herbert's Dummy Run. Herbert is the nappy-clad offspring of Wally, hero of Pyjamarama and Everyone's a Wally.

Herbert has become separated from his father, and must make his own way to the exit of an enormous department store. Being a toddler, he cannot always reach many of the objects he needs to escape without assistance, so plenty of thought and backtracking is required to complete the arcade adventure.

Graphics are extremely colourful and pleasing, in the same style as the previous games. Colour clashes do still occur, but in general the cartoon-style decor of the store is sharp and clear. Mikro-Gen programmers seem to enjoy filling up the screen with furniture and decoration, and the department store setting suits that style very well.

Clever touches include the addition of several rooms with arcade-game sequences, satirising Daley Thompson's Decathlon, Bomber and Breakout, among others. Herbert should also proceed with care in the lift - if he forgets which floor it is at, he develops a parachute and floats down the shaft.

Although representing no great advance on the programming techniques and style of Everyone's a Wally, the game will nevertheless delight fans of the series and provides plenty of humour and excitement for the arcade-adventure brigade.

WHEN the moon is in the seventh hour and Jupiter aligns with Mars, when you are tired of the animated toilets and bored with beating up Gandalf, try your hand at 'serious' astrology with Astrocalc.

Whether you think it's a load of moonshine or not, serious practitioners will tell you there is a lot more to astrology than meeting tall dark handsome strangers on the cartoon page of the Daily Mail. What puts most people off is the sheer volume of calculations to be done to construct a complete birth-chart. Astrocalc provides a program aimed at beginners with a booklet outlining the principles of interpretation.

You need to know the time, date and place of birth. Once those are entered, the calculations are a matter of seconds. The program produces positions for the sun, moon and planets, plus the mid-heaven and Ascendant, the sign on the eastern horizon.

The program also lists the main aspects formed between planets, with their degree of exactitude. Astrocalc produces suites of programs for professional astrologers with those and other features.

The accuracy of the calculations varies. Fast-moving features such as the Ascendant or moon may be as much as 1° out, but most features are accurate to about 4' of arc.

The booklet provides an explanation of the principles behind astrology, and does explode some of the more feckless criticisms levelled against it. It is not a very readable piece, and becomes quite turgid when discussing interpretation.

Nevertheless, Astrocalc does provide, albeit unattractively presented, an easy introduction to the arcane secrets of the stars. Interested people should therefore be able to judge astrology's claims for themselves. As Newton once remarked to the astronomer Halley in defence of the subject, "I, sir, have studied it. You have not."