Greetings from Greatbelly, friends! There are indeed some strange sights on the road to my destiny at Maru. About four days south of the Ogre, in the Urunnar plains below the Eshakani mountains, we came across seven men, clad all in white with red wigs, who sat in little white carts which moved as if by magic.

They told me they were acolytes of the monastery of Seefayv the Red One, who had bid them go forth into the world to tell men they need never walk again, nay not even unto the alehouse.

Regrettably, Zul and Zel, who led the baggage train behind me, being somewhat myopic failed to see them. Before I could shout they over-ran these holy men. Now there are only six to spread the joyful tidings. Fate is a harsh mistress - perhaps this martyrdom may toughen their resolve.

At Samarrak we stopped for the night at the Damaged Dragon, a poor place where the porridgey food would not sustain a flea. After eating, Zul and Zel found their way to the cow-byre whilst I joined some travellers coming up from Urtuun to the south.

As we caroused, Mangler Morrow of Liverpool and Ashen Face Ashley from Banbury bewailed their ill luck in finding their way to the Lords of Time. One could not recover some keys from beneath a door. A lodestone or magnet might be some help - some narcissistic whelp may offer one for a mirror or so I have heard.

The other sought a tiger's tooth. I suggested he seek a tiger - naturally in the depths of prehistory. Aiding an animal with toothache can often bring useful results.

Along with these two rode Noel the Slayer of Kidderminster. Stumped he was in his Dungeon Adventure and unable to pass a giant rat. There is nothing so abhorrent to these rodents as rancid or stinking chips. Mere possession of one may well drive off the creature. He also wanted arrows for a bow he had found. When I was there I swear there were none, though I will accept correction.

Farseeker Forsyth, boasting in his beer, claimed to us all that he had solved all the riddles of System 15000. He claims the title of Lord High Systems Breaker. Others will wish to prise some knowledge from him. Write to him, remembering to pay the courier's fee in advance, at Kingston, Surrey.

Fair Karen Mear asked advice of me about this ritual - she cannot force her way into the Midminster Bank. At Seastar Travel she will find a code to help her entry. Fair foreign exchange is no robbery.

An illegible hieroglyphic student from Sulgrave, Washington had been bemused and benighted on the Invincible Island. In his possession was a sword and skull but he could see no use for them. Perhaps he has had difficulty in escaping the angry islanders - he will be pleased to know that these items will give time to slip away in safety with the booty. He also could see no purpose in the boulders that bestrew the isle; well, dropping them in holes will show the presence of water, which could be dangerous ...

Owen of the Oval Sphere from Bangor had tried long and hard to enter a town hall in ill-famed Scarthorpe home of the Urban Upstart. Beware bureaucrats young sir - all they need is red tape. Take some with you.

There were two far travellers at a corner table. Koster the Accoster of Rhenen in the Low Countries had wearied himself in pursuit of the Golden Baton. He could not take hold of a glowing crystal and was in despair. Fear not, says I. Have with you a staff and ring before entering the castle. Until you don a helm found inside the fortress, you may not read the runes inscribed upon the staff. When you read them they should spell 'Akyrz'. Waving the staff and saying this potent charm will cause the ball to dim and drop.

With Koster was one Caballero Carvalho of Lisbon. On learning my name he told me that Gordo in his tongue meant 'the fat one'. Stout is a word I might prefer ...

At this point Sir Matthew Hill of Nottingham got up upon a table and proclaimed, "I have attained Hampstead! Pippa and I would like to let you know we are settling in at our £100,000 cottage. I'm doing well in my work as advisor to the government and you may see me cycling along the Heath in my trusty tracksuit."

Though tankards were thrown there were many who pondered well these words. Richard the Evilcleaver of Poole (24 Hour Service) asked me in a whisper how to enter the gothic mansion owned by Pippa's father. Hark ... when the toady butler speaks, merely ask to 'meet Chubby'. No second chance is given. Evilcleaver offers help with Hampstead and The Hobbit.

Marauding Marc of Worcester had constantly tried to cross a river in search of the Tower of Despair. An angel of death blocks his path. Leaving by a back door may help. Search the bodies there and also the barrels - a key and holy dagger may appear and be of use. If all else fails then try sneak tactics and creep angel. Clear as day.

Gunman Guntrip of Abingdon has not rested from Valkyrie 17. He cannot obtain the lamb from the savage butcher. Do you remember a lead box, Gunman? Fatal to you, it may equally be so to this terrible tradesman.

There were a large group, including Ironfist Arends of Hitchin and Whetstone Sharp of York in trouble assisting Sherlock Holmes. Some could not enter Basil's house in London. On Tuesday or Wednesday this evildoer is in residence in the great city, and a window in the back yard should be open. Look through to see if Basil is asleep and enter safely.

Now the safe in Basil's other house. Wait for him to leave for London on Tuesday and force your way in. To those who ask me how to open the safe - why not say 'Open safe'?

A tiring night it had been. Besides, I hear that the Lady Marion has written letters to a certain Grand Elf. I am desolate. 'Til next moon, farewell companions of the road.

Sinclair User
May 1985