Gordo Greatbelly embarks upon his quest, picking up hints and tips for adventurers along the road.

WE SET off on our road to the fleshpots of Maru, laden with many provisions and weapons. Zul and Zel were nowhere to be seen until a final search revealed them sleeping behind the manure heap in the stables. There were tearful farewells, the greatest and the wettest being between myself and my strongbox - now protected with many strong curses.

I confess I was worried as to whether Uginnuk, the troll I captured and house-trained many years ago, would be capable of caring properly for my customers instead of eating them - he is not always totally reliable in this way and old habits die hard. Let us hope my clients will be stringy in the main and not tempt him!

We headed over the moors towards the southern passes. Meeting a group of adventurers we camped for the night. Having befriended them I sold them a keg of wine and listened to their tales.

One Olaf the Storyteller from Clophill talked of his travels with The Hobbit in Middle Earth. He has found a way to engender dissension amongst friend and foe alike. While wearing the Ring of Power, thus invisible, he found himself in the company of Elrond, Gandalf, Thorin, Gollum and a disgusting goblin. When Olaf struck Gandalf, half in fun, I suppose, Gandalf assumed Thorin had done this deed and hit him back. A sharp slap administered to Thorin set the whole company ablaze and a giant brawl resulted. You may try this yourself to enliven the long journey to the dragon's lair.

Others, as is so common, related their woes and problems in this land. Martin the Campbell, a valiant Scot from Lesmahagow, could not slay the dragon Smaug. Listen, I said to him, first find Bard the archer and carry him with you. When the set-to begins Bard will shoot Smaug if instructed. At this, Nick 'The Knuckle' Rogers, a little maudlin with the wine, confessed his utter inability to escape the Elven King's cellar. He had gone so far as to slay the poor butler in his rage! If I understood him correctly I tell him now not to enter a barrel. Let the butler throw one in the stream and then jump upon it. That may be best for all - especially the butler.

And so the talk came round to Ket, favoured by many. Puncher Parsons has had regular encounters with the Zombie who prevents exit from the mountain caverns. There were many voices in reply. Our solution was that he should drop all but his sword and magic staff and, after donning his armour and ring, should go on.

The river of lava which interrupts the road to the Temple of Vran blocks Axeman Wood's path - he hails from Abingdon. If he can find the stepladders at the base of the great cliff and uses them with a trampoline, he may achieve his object. But first he must descend the cliff ...

There were more tales from Orcslayer Fletcher of Gloucester, who had much advice on Eureka within whose time zones he had journed long. In the Roman time he obtained the swamprose by going to the south gate. From there south, east, southwest, east and south again. The travellers, slightly foxed by now, were more amazed by the means to gain the Arthurian magic ring. Mentioning a minstrel, Elvis by name, he told us to play the harp and then, when asked for a tune, to strum out Jailhouse Rock, whatever that may be!

Orcslayer will answer questions on the prehistoric and the Arthurian ages for anyone who cares to write to him - so long as they pay the price for the courier's return trip! Help him if you can blow up the bridge without destroying yourselves in the process.

Espionage Island featured large in our conversations again. Red Nicola of Worcester has always been foiled by that dark bundle which, I verily believe, is the Parachute. I suggested to her that maybe she should unstrap herself from it. Her companion, Goblinsbane Gould from Leicester suffered too. The crevasse always bars his way. If he has a stick he may find that dropping it renders him unstuck. Directions past the swamp may be given in some stitching. Perhaps he gets my drift?

Crusher Barles of Redcar has attempted to break into the safe for many moons and is awash with numbers. Scrawled graffiti elsewhere will unlock this little problem for him if he read them right.

He had another puzzle I could not solve for him - maybe you all can help. In the arcane depths of the Dungeon Adventure, one of Level 9's spells, he can gain all nine gems needed to escape from the central dungeon of the Demon Lord but cannot carry those and the Branch. When he passes through the door without the Branch he perishes. Write to Crusher care of Dungeon No One, Cleveland. He will be eternally grateful and can give help in return on Artic's A, B and C and the first two quests of Ket.

As I browsed through my letters by the dying torchlight I found a number from warlocks trapped within System 15000, including Knifer Boon of Maldon, Stunner Johns of Houston and the doughty Pugh of Twyford. To help is difficult in this ritual since it is hard to know exactly how much you understand already. So I will provide some numbers.

Calling Routledge will give important advice on those behind the swindle. Also Perry's specific code is VIN 15 - instead of INFRA - and will give further routes for your investigation. SELCRA will not reveal all about every company but follow the track of some large fruit and you may pip 537 at the post! Surely this is clear enough?

One thing more. My deepest thanks to the Lady Marion, Guardian of the Barbican, for her encouragement and wise counsel. I shall wear her favour on my sleeve throughout this perilous quest and treasure it on my safe return.

And so we all fell asleep with Zul and Zel on guard, I had a peaceful night except for their waking me to tell me my snores were frightening the horses. Until next moon my friends. Ride safely.

Gordo Greatbelly, Landlord.

Sinclair User
April 1985