WE LEFT Samarrak in the dawn, heading south and east to reach the Imperial Highway and the frontier of Marti. I confess I was in an ill mood, after being fleeced by the smug landlord of the Damaged Dragon.

Eighteen silver pieces he charged, that crafty southerner! It would have cost me more but I refused resolutely to pay the seven extra coins he demanded because, he said, my great weight had broken the bed. A quick demonstration of the powers of my new magic club convinced him.

Around noon we joined the great Highway, paved with red flagstone and shimmering in the sun. Here began the Marshes of Urunnar. Giant reed beds stretched as far as the eye could see. The Maruvians let this place stay wild so that raiders must follow the road or risk the terrors of the bogs - either way they will perish.

Just before nightfall we came to the first outpost of the Empire - a tall, wooden tower protected by a palisade and deep ditches. The five man garrison kept many horses corralled to provide fresh mounts for northerly bound couriers.

Here I met Urdnal of the Nose - swollen and crushed it is from many years of drink and brawls. We were once comrades in the Vth Eshak Scouts and he had stayed on as a corporal. We drank and reminisced a while and then joined the other travellers who sheltered overnight at the post. As we sat around the fire they confided their problems to me.

Mindstrainer Matthews of Watford told me of his time upon the Emerald Isle. He had built a canoe there but could not sail the thing. In the past I have held converse with Michael, Great Lord of the Levels, and he revealed to me that the adventurer should drop his canoe at the shore, say 'In' or board the vessel - then simply travel where he will.

Another had been trapped in a crumbling mine on the same island but could not prop up the ceiling with a handy post. Support is all you need.

Mindstrainer had discovered a magic word - 'x' he said. Alas, I hear that this is of no great use except as a red herring. It is only the echo of 'xyzzy', a spell in the Colossal Adventure.

A group had been bewildered in the town of Scarthorpe, home of the Urban Upstart. Skinhead of Mordor grumbled that he could not kill the rats which infest parts of that dismal town. As far as I know, rodent extermination is not necessary to success. The cheese may help you escape imprisonment if eaten.

Brak Beamish of Horsell gave us all some useful tips but, despite his knowledge, could not persuade the airport officers to let him through to his craft. Two things are necessary - any pilot must have the required papers to leave the town but also should brighten the officers' tedious day with a suitable bribe.

This was of no use to Lone Wulf of Fife who had not even been able to find any money, though he had traced the machine that dispenses it. People are careless, Wulf, and will drop the strangest things into dustbins and rubbish piles. Read all letters with care and your trouble may soon end.

El-Mokadem of Farnham made careful notes of what was said but asked where the flying suit might be. Perhaps it was left to dry on some pipes?

None of us could help Krusher Kreischer of Neath. He was desperate to know how to remove a copy of the Quill from a safe in his Murder Hunt. If you have the answer then write to him without delay!

Also requiring your assistance is Thomas de Barri of Waterford. He covets the Jewels of Babylon. He has braved many perils but cannot elude the cannibals, the crocodile or the octopus.

As I went to look over the horseflesh at the corral I met Pranger Patel of Blakenhall. There are still very many of you who wish to breach the force field on Planet of Death - he advised that all should reflect the field twice with the mirror and then dance. Others do say that the true route is to fire the gun twice before cavorting - try them both. This should assist Hugo of Oakham whose hair is greying with the task.

Pranger also advised me that anyone can escape the prison by kicking the bar. Keep this piece of iron as it can be used later as a fuse. Go up to leave the cell. But Pranger could not use the lift to take his spacecraft to freedom - the High Priests of Artic tell me that button four on the control pad should do the trick. The clue at this place reads 'No Dusty Bin Rules'. Surely this means that 3 2 1 should be avoided? At all costs, say I.

Lady Susan of Chester overheard us and confessed that she had not even managed to find the laser gun. If she has a floorboard she may cross a ravine beyond the lake. There stands a hut and there within the gun.

At another fire Boyd the Bold boasted of his total success with Valkyrie 17. He has also found that repeatedly opening and closing the safe will deliver an endless supply of necklaces and lethal boxes - but they are of no use! This meant little to Chris of Taggart whose problem was to find a use for a can of spray foam. It is not for whiskers, young sir, but can blind any spying eye, even if made of glass or metal.

Now, my friends, I have received a hopeful plea from young Persevering Paul of Peterborough. Thus he writes: "Dear Gordo Greatbelly, I've been playing Magic Mountain and can go no further. I have found two mazes and sought the exits in vain." Give this bard your valiant assistance - his gratitude will be unbounded.

Ranger Reid collared me to claim his title of Lord High System Breaker. He says that he has completed System 15000 after many weeks of hacking. Should any of you wish to know the solution - telephone him. He would not reveal the true number except in code. Break it and the System's secrets may be yours: (7+c)(8+e)(7+a)(8+e)(7+a)(6+i)(0+a)(8+e)(8+e)(1-b).

So we all fell asleep around the dying embers, though there were strange howlings from the marsh and the horses behind whinnied in fear. Til next moon, my fellow travellers, farewell.

Gordo Greatbelly, Landlord

If you have a tale to tell, or are in need of a helping hand, write to the Landlord of the Dancing Ogre c/o Sinclair User, London.

Sinclair User
August 1985